What World-Class Listeners Do

They Adopt the Proper Attitude - They are optimistic; they tell themselves that they are going to like the person they’re calling on and that they are going to have a positive outcome. They positive, confident, friendly, open, and intensely curious.

They Shut Up and Listen

They Are Conscious of Their Body Language – World-Class listeners are conscious of their posture and how they sit when they listen to someone. They try to make sure their body language indicates they are fascinated and eager to learn more—often leaning forward.

They Respect the Other Person’s Point of View – They listeners are able to put themselves in another person’s shoes. They see both sides and respect others’ views; they don’t denigrate or belittle others’ views.

They Listen and Look for Emotional Cues – World-Class listeners observe how someone says something and looks for clues that reveal underlying feelings. People often say things that try to cover up how they are really feeling. World-Class listeners listen and observe carefully and with empathy and understanding for how the person is feeling. World-Class listeners look for nonverbal clues as to how other people feel and what they really mean to say World-Class listeners listen for the how people say something, not so much what they say.

They Listen and Look for Buying Cues - They watch very carefully for any little sign or movement that indicates another person has made a decision to agree with them or to buy—a slight leaning forward, a tiny nod of the head, a sudden tension that signals an intent to buy and a desire to begin negotiating.

They Match Speech, Listening Patterns, and Movements to the Speaker – World-Class listeners let the other person set the pace. They talk and listen at the other person’s pace, not theirs. They do the adapting and speeding up or slowing down; they don’t make other people adjust to them. This type of listening is referred to academically as synchronic listening or listening in synchrony, and it merely means being “in synch” with someone else (not the singing group). By being in synch World-Class listeners show respect for the other person, for their style and even cultural differences.

They Are Patient –They know that if they listen patiently and courteously to everything others have to say, without interrupting, that others will reciprocate and give them a courteous hearing.

They Pause Often – World –Class listeners pause after someone says something to make sure the other person is finished. Like any good interviewer, they know that a pause often prompts others to talk more—often revealing more than they intend to.

They Listen Actively - (See Exhibit 7.8 for details)

They Ask How They Can Help – Once they have gathered information, they don’t start selling immediately, World-Class listeners ask how they can be of help.

They Summarize Well – Periodically through a discussion, they pause and summarize the points of agreement. Brief summaries not only make points memorable through repetition, but they also focus the discussion and get it back on track if it has wandered.

They Listen With Authenticity – World-Class listeners are authentic; they don’t try to emulate someone else, they are themselves. Others can tell when someone is insincere. Being insincere is manipulative and does not build trust.

What World-Class Listeners Don’t Do

They Don’t Listen Judgmentally - (See Exhibit 7.8 for details)

They Don’t Interrupt and Step on Sentences - The biggest giveaway of poor listeners is that they constantly step on other people's sentences—interrupt or finish a statement for others. They cannot wait to be heard. These people spend their time during a conversation thinking of what they want to say and are more concerned with their need to express themselves than with listening. Poor listeners don’t let the other person finish what they are saying, especially if the other person talks slowly. World-Class listeners don’t make these errors.

They Don’t Think of a Rebuttal - Allied to stepping on sentences is thinking of what the next comment or a rebuttal is going to be while someone is talking. We often have a tendency to do this while we are listening to a speech or lecture to which we cannot respond; we engage ourselves mentally in the game of forming a reply to a particular point. This is a nonproductive game to play. World-Class listeners pay full attention to the speaker and concentrate on listening carefully to every word without thinking of their comeback or rebuttal.

They Don’t Respond Too Soon – World-class listeners let other finish a discussion and make as many points, as many objections as they feel inclined to do. They let people get all the negatives out on the table before responding. By responding too soon, they know they look defensive and may even be interrupting.

They Don’t React Emotionally – We learned about the importance of self-management in the previous chapter on Emotional Intelligence and World-Class listeners understand that an excellent place to practice self-control is while they are listening. In Chapter 10 we will go into more detail about negotiating and how sometimes manipulative negotiators will purposely try to get people angry so emotions will kick in and they will make a bad—emotional—decision. World-Class listeners know the best way to counteract an attempt to make them angry or to get a rise out of them is to stay calm and never react emotionally—that is the way they turn the tables on others who try to manipulate them.

They Don’t Become Distracted – Too often people do not concentrate on looking at the person who is talking; they allow their attention to be diverted to other things. They doodle, look out the window, glance at some attractive person in the next office, or conduct other discourteous and disconcerting behavior. Some people keep their cell phones and pagers on, and, worse, answer them, which gives the speaker the silent message that they are not interested in the speaker. World-Class leaders focus intently on speakers, look them in the eye, and they turn off their cell phones and pagers.

They Don’t Respond to Negatives – World-Class listeners know better than to respond too quickly to negative statements because they understand it makes them look defensive and that they might give some credence to the negatives. They ignore negatives and reinforce positive statements or compliments.

They Don’t Ask Leading Questions - They don’t try to use manipulative questioning and selling techniques or try to trick people into saying things they don’t intend to say.

They Don’t Take Notes – In 45 years of selling and watching Hall of Fame media salespeople sell, I’ve rarely seen any of them take notes. They preferred to focus intently on the other person and do their best to build empathy and rapport, which note-taking makes difficult. Taking notes is a distraction from rapport building. Of course, the Hall of Famers are or were all very bright and had memories good enough to remember what was said in a conversation. These great salespeople typically made detailed notes on important calls after a call was over, however. Times when note-taking is a good idea is during the discovery process when you are learning a great deal of facts—more than can be remembered—and during complicated negotiations over schedules, prices, and contract conditions. By the time negotiating starts, though, you should have built sufficient rapport and know your customer well enough be able to take notes. The rule on taking notes is: Don’t take notes unless you have to in order to remember complicated factual details and, even then, keep them as brief as possible.

Exhibit 7.5

Non-Verbal Clues

Closed/Open. Arms folded across the chest keeping you and your ideas out; or letting your ideas in with arms dropped legs apart.

Backward/Forward. Leaning backward to get away from or be cautious of your ideas; or leaning forward to hear better becoming more interested.

Rigid/Yielding. Standing or sitting upright or stiff, jaw tight, letting nothing sway them; or yielding, nodding agreement, accepting.

Static/Agitated. Unmoving, no enthusiasm, bored; or excited moving interested.

Tense/Relaxed. Tight, impenetrable, skeptical, careful; or easygoing, open, casual.

Frowning/Smiling. Hostile, not trusting, unfriendly; or friendly, helpful, caring.

Distant/Close. Uncomfortably guarding their physical space, threatened; or intimate, involved.

Loud/Soft. Speaking loudly, aggressively, energetically, combatively; or softly, submissively, delicately, hesitatingly.

Fast/Slow. Speaking rapidly, not pausing, excitedly, carelessly; or slowly, lots of pauses, carefully.

Exhibit 7.6

Barriers to Accurate Perception

Barrier Definition

Stereotyping Assigns attributes to people solely on the basis of their class or personality type.

First Impressions Considers first impressions of others to be their enduring traits.

Projection Ascribes to others those negative traits or feelings we have about ourselves.

Halo effects Allows people's dominant traits to influence our impressions of

their other traits.

Selective perception Systematically screens or discredits information we do not wish

to hear and to focus instead on more salient information.

Ostrichitis Distorts or ignores information that is either personally threatening

Or culturally unacceptable.

Exhibit 7.7

Techniques for Active, Non-Judgmental Listening

1. Ask a question

2. Listen to the answer carefully, actively – For example, wave your hand toward yourself, which gives the message, “tell me more.” Notice what gestures the people you are listening to use. Are they very expressive and do they motion with their hands a lot? Then get in synch with them. Use their gestures. Are they calm and analytical? Do they lean back and ponder things with their fingers intertwined and their chins resting on their folded hands. Get in synch with them.

3. Respond non-judgmentally – Non-judgmental listening is non-defensive listening. Don’t argue or defend your point view. Nod, smile, and encourage them to continue talking.

A. Develop a non-threatening, non-confrontational approach – You want people to feel secure in opening up, revealing personal information.

B. Offer personal information first – People will reciprocate by giving you personal information.

C. Find something you have in common – Similar interests such as kids, sports, or pets, for example.

D. Similar interests create common bonds – Common bonds create openness, honesty, and trust.

E. Vary your responses – Otherwise your responses become a monotonous and recognizable as technique and not authentic.

Exhibit 7.8

Barriers to Active, Non-Judgmental Listening: Nine “Nevers”

1. Never ask “why?” – “Why?” questions are challenging to someone. When you ask “Why?” you sound like you doubt what they are saying or are testing them. “Why?” questions send bad emotional vibes.

2. Never ask leading questions – Leading questions like “Have you stopped beating your wife?” or “Are you still paying those outrageously high newspaper rates?” are challenging and produce frustration and anger.

3. Never minimize a problem – This response seems natural, as though you are trying to help some feel better, that things are not as bad as they seem. However, you are being judgmental and making an assumption than you know more than the person complaining does. Furthermore, you are there to help solve their problems, so the bigger the problems are, the more you can help, so don’t minimize problems. Finally, some people love to complain, so do them a favor and let them—“feel their pain.”

4. Never cheer up or reassure – These responses make you seem happier or more knowledgeable than the person who is speaking. It may be counterintuitive, but telling someone to cheer up maybe unrealistic. It’s better to share their misery; develop empathy and demonstrate your supportive feelings.

5. Never advise or teach – These responses make you superior and makes the other person feel inferior. You may come across as arrogant. You want to be people’s trusted friend, not their teacher.

6. Never criticize or moralize – These responses are highly judgmental and frustrate and anger other people.

7. Never argue or defend – These responses are completely counterproductive and move a conversation backward, not forward. The moment you become defensive, you lose control of the agenda of a conversation and lose rapport and credibility—you are seen as not being objective (and you aren’t).

8. Never be aggressive – Aggressive responses make you appear competitive instead of cooperative and look as though you are trying to get what you want instead of what the other person wants.

9. Never respond with “you” statements – “You” responses are those that begin with “you,” such as “you shouldn’t be paying those high rates on other stations.” “You” statements appear to be accusatory or seem to be telling other people what they “should” do. Never, never use the word “should” in a response, it is completely judgmental.

Source: Many of the “Never” responses are based on suggestions in Carl D. Zaiss and Thomas Gordon. 1993. Sales Effectiveness Training. New York. Dutton.